Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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