Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
