So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
