The best revenge is premature balding
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
