Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
