I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Four minutes until I can fart!
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize