so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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