At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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