My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
