Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
