First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
