If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Who put my cat in the fridge?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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