After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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