you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
