Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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