My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
