at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
