My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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