You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
