DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
