Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize