So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
