O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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