I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
