I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
His nipple licking is glorious
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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