A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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