The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
