very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
