i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
