Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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