Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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