Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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