Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
