I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
