I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Too much gin, very little bucket
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
