I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
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