My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
