he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
