I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
