I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
