So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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