I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize