we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I miss vodka workout Fridays
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
