This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
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