My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize