i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Randomize
