Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
