im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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