what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
