thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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