Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
